Each parent has his own, individual reserve of physical and spiritual strength. The general one, once the limit of opportunities comes, when the forces are running out and you need only peace, so as not to touch. So that no one climbs and everyone left at least 10 minutes in silence. Approximately at the same time, when the moment “I am at the limit of strength and opportunity” comes, the children becomes independent.
He dresses himself, goes to bed himself, can take food from the refrigerator, does not drag everything into his mouth, in general, he can be left alone. And at this moment there is such an illusion that at last all, hurray, the child can do everything himself and does not need us. And thoughts such naturally come to mind, we do not notice that they are wrong. And sometimes such thoughts are not even realized.
The child starts to chase everything: “Can not you do everything yourself, what are you trying to do?”. At the same time the child continues to need attention, which begins to extort literally in many different ways, what makes parents even more angry. Conflict is born, if it is not eliminated, alienation begins, which often lasts a lifetime. How can you not miss this important moment? To do this, you need to understand that there are such thoughts, and they are wrong. And if these thoughts are not there, then look at your behavior, perhaps you are eliminated from games and communication with the child. Now I will tell you how it was in my case, how the alienation began to mature for me with my daughter, and how we in the family solved this situation.
I, like many new mothers, was mistaken, thinking that for children, only toys are needed. In this case, supposedly, the more – the better. I thought that it was enough to buy all sorts of bright interesting toys, as the child immediately forgot about everything and would be enthusiastic to play. After all, my mother did the same. She brought toys, pencils and paper, and immediately eliminated, never played with me. But I had a sister, and we played with each other, learned to communicate, fought, shared – in general, they were busy with each other and lagged behind their parents, as they asked.
Parents wanted to not be touched – and we did not touch, took offense at inattention and unwillingness to bother with us, but did what they asked. By adolescence, this situation swirled so that there was complete confidence in our parents being unnecessary, which turned into alienation. And alienation was the beginning of indifference – just to quickly leave home and no longer feel unnecessary people who want to be the most expensive.
How did I understand that in my family I was in the same vicious circle? Not right away. As soon as my daughter became independent, it was like “a stone fell from my shoulders”. I could go to the next store alone, my daughter was sitting quietly at home for 30-40 minutes. On weekends, after doing all the work during the day, I said:
– I’m tired, I’ll sleep, if someone calls, say I’m sleeping. Do not be noisy.
This is life! Now this is a relief!
As soon as she came up with an offer:
– Mom, let’s play, – I quickly sent her to me.
– Go play yourself to yourself, you have plenty of toys, I have a lot to do. In the evening, my father will come, and I have not prepared dinner yet.
I sent her back to her room once more, I was busy around the house, doing something. I glanced briefly at what the daughter was doing, and I saw that she was sitting in a lump, sad, with her shoulders drooping.
To my great happiness, I well remember my childhood. I instantly recognized this position and this expression, understood that my child is now feeling. She feels what I felt when my parents chased me away.
How did it happen that I began to do the same as my parents? After all, as a child, I was unhappy with this behavior, and because of this, there were often conflicts. And now I behave like them. What happened?
What should I do to prevent the development of the process to the state of my relations with my parents?
How can I do it to get free time for myself, which I so sorely lacked in the first years after the birth of my daughter?
How did it happen that I began to leave my daughter alone, despite the fact that she did not have enough of my communication?
Thinking over the situation, I realized the following – having felt that the child had become independent and I can live as before, doing my own business, I forgot about one important thing. I forgot that my husband and I will never be alone, a small man who lives side by side with us has the right to demand the satisfaction of his needs by birth. We took responsibility by giving birth to a child.
Rules for Resolving Conflict with Your Children
Yes, I’m tired, but since I live in a family, then we have to look for compromises. It is impossible to live in society according to your own rules and according to your own needs. I have to reckon with the needs of other people, in the circle of which I live. To live, as lived before, so it will never be, it is necessary to realize it. And most importantly, explain to the child, too.
A family is a job, in a team we are reckoned with colleagues. So it should be in our family.
Life in the family with children should be organized as responsibly as they organize work in the team. Each has its own functions and responsibilities, but also rights. You will not get into the desktop to a colleague, you will not dig into his working folders. But you will require him to fulfill his part of the duties, and do your part.
For example, the storekeeper will accept the goods, and the accountant will conduct it on the system in the computer. In this case, the accountant will not recalculate the goods, and the storekeeper will not check whether the posting was made by an accountant. But the storekeeper has the right to ask the accountant a copy of the receipt to make a reconciliation in his documents. Conversely, the accountant will require documents from the storekeeper to make a reconciliation.
So, all in order. What do I need:
– I need time to communicate with my husband,
– I need time to do housework,
– time for their personal affairs,
– time to rest.
The child needs:
– to be fed,
– to play with him,
– to talk and take a walk.
My husband and I are working, so our child is attending a kindergarten. Hence, there is little time for classes with the child. But at the same time I am the director of the company “Family”. We need to organize our family life so that everything is in time and at the same time give the child maximum attention.
First of all, I thought about why my daughter does not play alone, but always looking for my company? She has many toys, many markers and pencils. Why does not she draw alone, but only with me or with her father? I began to remember how I played. And I found an interesting thing. I was taught to play. My childhood passed in the street in the courtyard, among other children. Then it was accepted that the children were in the open air and did not sit at home. And we played with each other. I was taught to play other children. Our daughter is more homely, so to teach her to play is my job. I approach her and propose:
– Daughter, we can not always play with you. I have more chores around the house, and then I need to rest. A dad at work, comes late and tired, and can not always pay much attention and play with you.
Let’s agree so, I’ll play with you a little, the rest of the time you’ll play yourself. Let me teach you how to play, and you can play it yourself. Look, you can play in the hospital, hairdresser, school, pharmacy. And your toys will be children.
So we learned to play with my daughter. Still, I think you know that children love adult things. Give the child more adult things – and the game will go.
I collected empty boxes and bottles of medicine, diapers, needle-free syringes and other “goods”. Equipped her desk on the chair, showed how to do injections, how to write out references, and she began to play. Gradually, I showed her all the games that I remembered from childhood, and my participation in her games became minimal.
Later, my husband and daughter talked and agreed: “Since we work with Dad and can not play with you all the time, we will definitely play with her on the weekend. Let’s say that we play table games 2 times a day, then each person does his own business and does not interfere with the other. Then we do housework, you help us. And in those days when we work, we only read books in the evening, because we are tired and just can not play. “
Everyone was happy with this way of life. The child calmed down, realized that he was loved and needed, and also that parents have their needs. And it’s just physically impossible to spend the whole day playing with the child. There are also days off when house chores accumulate, and then there is no possibility to play. But since it is clear to the child that they do not play with him for lack of time, and not because he is not needed or annoying, he behaves calmly and takes himself.
As a child, I thought that no one could understand me. To understand how I feel bad, because only I experience it. I blamed myself for everything. They drive – it means they do not like it. Do not play with me – so I do not need, etc. Now I know that all children think so, blame themselves for everything and take everything to heart. And the task of the parent is to explain to the child the causes of parental behavior. When a child realizes that he is loved, that his parents are not able to give him much time in connection with the big employment, he calms down. All children’s fears and experiences stem from ignorance and misunderstanding of our behavior. Due to lack of life experience, he does not know that mom can not both cook and play with him. And if you say: “Get out of here, do not you see, I’m going to cook?”, The child decides that HE is interfering, he is the cause of irritation of the mother.
And if you say: “When I cook, I can not be distracted. I can accidentally pour you or push you if you’re around. Please go now to yourself, and as soon as I’m free, I’ll come to you right away. Or you can sit at a table on the side, take a notebook and pencils and draw while I’m cooking dinner. “
Here the child will understand that his mother is just afraid for him, worried about him. That’s how important it is to keep track of what and how we say.