How to Be Feminine?
How strange, but it is the question of how to become feminine, the administrator from our readers usually sends me.
Why strange? It’s strange because femininity is our essence, our nature, our natural need. Perhaps, the same natural as the desire for men to be strong and confident, to be successful in their business.
Why so often do many girls and women send this question? At first it was surprising. When such questions began to come more and more often, I started to think about why we women seek an answer to a question that a priori is inherent in us by nature itself? Why really there are so few truly feminine and gentle women, and so many active, enterprising and confident in the male type of the fairer sex?
I thought about this issue on the day when the summer was not over yet, and autumn had not come into its own. As they say, the middle half. The bright sun was shining, and I wanted to feel his gentle rays on my face. I went out and decided to wander around the city, admiring the last islets of summer.
Here, somewhere in the trees, the leaves are still green. And the flock of girls is running in light jackets and shoes in the hope that the warm weather will stand longer, and they will have time to rejoice in the sun. A company of office employees passed by, hotly arguing that they had seen the weather forecast, which promises obvious Maldives in our latitudes, but they do not believe in it, since the Maldives have to be looked for in the Maldives, but they would not refuse from the protracted summer.
How nice to arrange for yourself these kinds of outings and enjoy the fact that you can just Be. Just wander the streets and feel part of this complex universe. From this, happiness develops. Feel your involvement in this world and rejoice in what you are. How nice to feel feminine and beautiful, interesting and attractive! And it’s nice when passing by, interesting men look at you and smile, someone compliments.
The main thing is not to rush anywhere and enjoy this state on a teaspoonful, as if you tasted delicious treats and try to eat it slowly-slowly enough to last for a long time. But do all women get to enjoy their nature? Do all women know how to use their charm and rejoice that they are women? Do all the representatives of the weaker sex know how to use their femininity so that they too are happy and their men feel like heroes? Apparently, not everything, since so many recently letters come with such a question.
I slowly wander through the quiet streets of the city and start to remember the events of many years ago …
Many years ago.
Here comes a business-like, successful girl. A short haircut, a business suit, more like a man’s, a briefcase with documents. She walks, firmly minting a step. The look is strained and riveted into the distance. She clearly does not notice the world around her: clouds that look like strange animals, twittering birds, young Christmas trees that have recently landed in a park through which she so rapidly goes to her goal.
Yes, it has a purpose and there are no obstacles. She is able to firmly and, if necessary, to give orders to employees: when, to whom and what to do, where to call, what issues to settle. Several objects are in the plan for delivery. If the deadlines are delayed, she personally, despite the later time, sits in the car and drives out to the construction site. Clarify details with the customer, negotiate with the Contractor, find out the reason for the delay in terms, call to other cities, settle the supplies, to whom and how much they have not paid, who and what confused, what amendments to the estimate need to be made, and so on, and so on, and so on.
Late at night our girl has time to call home to … collect things and rush off to another business trip. Yes, still leave a note on my desk to my husband that “I did not wake up, I’ll be in a week . “
She sits on the train and instead of enjoying the clatter of the wheels, to be glad that the compartment was empty and you can safely drink tea and look in the window, she opens her business portfolio and again works, works, works. After a week she is tired, exhausted and returns home with a temperature.
– What are you doing? Why do you need that? Why are you going to the construction site with temperature? What, without you there is no one to solve a question? Maybe it’s time to stop? – once again tries to reach her husband.
– You do not understand. I have to be there, I need to figure it all out.
“You have a fever, you’re tired.” You’ll go tomorrow. Yes, and it’s not just in today’s case. Why do you have to be so overwrought? Why are you acting like a man? I earn enough to live normally. Throw it all.
“And what will I do?” Stay home? You do not understand, I will succeed and then ….
And here it is worth pondering. Each such girl and woman, living according to the male type, has its own hidden reason for this behavior.
Our girl stopped. Or rather, it was stopped. “Who?” You ask. It was stopped by Life itself, the Universe or God, or Fate. I do not know how to name those Higher Powers that intervened then and saved that girl …
The sound of a siren, resuscitation and three long days, when the husband and family did not know if she would survive or leave this world, leaving behind nothing good and good. He will not leave behind neither love, nor good, nor thanks. Only eternal discontent, the pursuit of happiness, which supposedly “somewhere out there,” and even the ability to be “a man in a skirt.”
Is it worth leaving such memories after yourself? I think no. So our girl thought so, when her soul or someone else there, decided to give her a second chance.
Several years after resuscitation, learning to walk and talk anew, our girl learned to live in parallel. Arriving in this world a second time, she completely erased old habits, skills, life principles and views that were “before”. Before resuscitation, before a new life.
Then, sitting at the window and watching the clouds floating in the sky and behind the people running somewhere, she asked.
I asked the universe. I asked my subconscious mind. She asked: “Why did I live like this and why did I not enjoy life, did not I enjoy being a woman? Why did I act like a real man ? ” In fact, she did not even know what it meant to be a Woman. What does it mean to be feminine, tender, loving and beloved, caring and capricious, coquettish and carefree, regardless of any circumstances …
Since that time many years have passed. And on that clear, sunny day, when I walked through the streets of the city and enjoyed the islets of the summer, rejoicing in the warm autumn sun and smiling at the passers-by, I met Her. She was tall, slender, with a shimmer of long hair shimmering in the sun, she walked slowly towards me. Each of her movements was filled with femininity, grace and some relaxed love of life. I would have passed by if I had not heard:
“You’re far from being the first to recognize me, so I’m not even offended.” She laughed cheerfully. I turned around and after a moment’s confusion in my mind began to emerge a familiar image.
“Lel?” You? Can not be!
The pause was too long, and I still did not know what to say. Unlike the previous Lel, she did not take the initiative in her own hands and did not dispose of where we would go and what we would do. It was clear that she was glad to meet, but she gave me time to recover.
– Good to see you. Do not worry, many people will not recognize me . – And again a gentle smile, relaxed movements, an easy turn of the head. And again I do not recognize her. Where is that “iron lady” who had no idea about what real femininity, tenderness and grace are? Which condemned such girls and believed that a woman should be strong and punchy, confidently asserted that “the men are outfitted” and women are forced to pull everything on themselves?
It seemed to me that I thought it to myself, but apparently I was so shocked that I said them out loud. And if she had flared up earlier, she was offended and would have said a lot in response, now she smiled at the same, apparently familiar for her, slightly noticeable smile, and yet she decided to help me and suggested that I go to a cafe to drink tea.
– In the cafe? The tea? Are not you in a hurry? You are always busy, are not you?
– Of course not. It’s you who confuse me with the old Lel, but now everything is different. At that time, in a past life, you were one of the few who managed to maintain good relations with me, despite my difficult nature. And I’m very glad that I met you. I lost the phone after resuscitation and could not find your coordinates. But I trusted the Universe and I knew that sooner or later we would definitely meet.
– Good. I know here a cozy cafe, it does not smoke, quiet music, stunning pancakes and delicious tea.
– That is great. And on the way, you can get used to me a little and get ready with thoughts.
And how does it work out? She delicately felt my condition and understood what I needed right now. Before, I did not notice such an observation. This time I was not at a loss and asked how she got it.
“Why, you are yourself ,” Lel said. – For women, this is quite a natural state. When you develop femininity in yourself, you begin to see the world and surrounding people in a different light, your intuition starts to work on a different level. The closer you become to your feminine nature, the happier you are and the more happy people appear around you. Yes, I’m telling you this, you yourself feel subtle people. Before, I did not understand how you did it, and sometimes I was annoyed with you for it. Although no, rather, envied.
So, talking, we imperceptibly reached the cafe. The door was open and the sun bunnies could roam unhindered through the inner walls of the room. Sometimes they were forgotten and jumped on the faces of visitors. The cafe was a little crowded and, as always, comfortable. Having made the order, I finally came to my senses and began to get used to the new Lel. Although it was not a big deal. If earlier communication with her was difficult and left a sense of fighting, although, according to Lel herself, I was able to find a common language with her, but it was extremely difficult for me. Now in her company, I felt relaxed and calm. It felt like I was still walking along quiet streets and enjoying the sunshine. Yes, I caught myself thinking that I bathe in the sun’s rays, which she seemed to radiate.
” You became sunny ,” I looked at her carefully. – And more feminine. Can you tell us what happened? How did you manage to become like this? How did you learn to radiate such calm and light? Where did that “man in a skirt” go? And in general, how do you live?
“So many questions and so much interest in me.” Thank you, I am pleased. You always knew how to communicate and people, although I did not appreciate it before. I condemned you for what you, as I thought at the time, do not strive for anything, that you do not have any great goals, and still you never hurry. This is now I see your happiness, and your success, which you have achieved as though in between, not hurrying and without tearing, and the fact that you enjoy your female nature. And before I condemned such women. Of course, she envied them. Although I did not even admit it to myself. And the first thing I did after resuscitation, it stopped hurrying.
– Yes, I remember how it happened to you. I tried to see you, but your husband said that you do not want to meet with anyone.
– All right. We did not know how long I had to live. I needed to understand myself and have time to ask for forgiveness from my husband. I then thought a lot, reflected and analyzed my life and my behavior. I did not communicate with anyone except my husband. Two more years after that, I communicated with a very limited number of people. At that time it helped me to find myself. This solitude allowed me to be what you see me now.
– Lel, tell me, how did you manage to change so much? How did you become so feminine? So real?
– Do you have a long story or a short one?
– It is better long, with details, comments and amendments.
We brought a fragrant tea with jasmine and ruddy pancakes with cottage cheese. As always, they were just magical – tender, melting in the mouth. How good it is to eat in the company of a person who, like you, knows how not to hurry and enjoy every minute of his life.
Lel leaned back in her chair, took a cup of tea and a familiar, light smile ran through her face.
“Well, I’ll try to tell you the story of how I became feminine and calm.” On the one hand I will try to detail in detail, on the other hand, without unnecessary details and sentimental scenes, but they were enough. After all, when you start to change, learn to live in accordance with your needs and desires, there are many people who do not like it very much. They’re trying to get you back that one. Trying in various ways and manipulations cause a sense of guilt and condemnation, so that only everything remains as it is.
History of Lel
Many people for many years arranged a version of the one I was. Purposeful, hard, achieves his. I set great goals, achieved them, was successful in my career, earned a lot and so on.
All my successes I devoted to one goal – to ensure that my mother finally told me that she loves me and is proud of me.
I did not think about my happiness, I did not think about what I was doing to a person close to me, my man. If, so to speak, I lived and acted like a real man. I wanted to be like my mother in everything and try to meet her requirements, expectations and ideals as much as possible. It never occurred to me that a woman could be different: feminine, tender, relaxed, and above all, enjoying her life and her nature. It’s just because neither in my childhood, nor in my youth, have I met such women.
Yes, in some films, in books, I saw and read about how such women can be happy and give their happiness and surrounding people, especially their men. But for some reason I always thought that to become such a woman, it is necessary to meet some kind of super-hero who as a magician will make me happy and carefree. And as it seemed to me, my husband was not at all suitable for the role of such a hero. So I continued to get rid of the female essence year after year and gradually mastered more male habits and communication skills. If it’s easier, I stupidly copied the lives of my mother, grandmother, great-grandmother.
Therefore, the first thing I did after I saw myself from the side, it sat down and wrote down how I behaved before resuscitation. And then started to ask myself and write down what kind of woman I’d like to be? I asked myself, what does it mean to be feminine? Well, what is this, real femininity? What should be a woman to a man near her became a real Hero?
At that time, I was greatly helped by your articles. I wrote the questions in a notebook, and then thought about them for a long time. I tried in books, in magazines, in films to look for images of women who were associated with femininity, tenderness, and a happy life. I tried to scroll these images as often as possible in my thoughts, when I closed my eyes. And then I realized that I myself become such a woman.
I asked myself what I would like to be, how to look, how to dress, how to talk and move? I asked my subconscious about what it means for me to be feminine. And not only in appearance, but also what is this character, what are habits, what are life values and preferences, and most importantly, what kind of behavior with men?
The more I asked myself and wrote down the answers to these questions, the deeper I understood, how far removed from the feminine image. Then I decided to prescribe everything:
– Hairstyle. I felt long hair, I felt them on the physical level, but instead I had a short haircut, like a kid. So at this point I wrote that I have long hair.
– clothes. I opened the wardrobe and saw some business suits, trousers and jeans. The same day, collecting all the clothes, except for the top and a pair of jeans with turtlenecks, I asked my husband to give it to relatives.
Filling this item took me a couple of months. Flipping through various magazines, I looked for my style and image. Then I cut out the models I liked and pasted them into a notebook. And now, after so many years, when I tell you this, my wardrobe is fully consistent with those photos. And this dress is all feminine: skirts, dresses, sarafans. No black and brown tones in clothes. From my trousers I had only jeans and those only for some trips to nature.
– personal care. At this point I wrote how I would like to look after myself. Since my mother did not pay attention to this issue, I also did not know how to take care of myself. Or rather, even shy of such desires. So I decided to work on myself and wrote that I go to a beauty salon and do various masks. What exactly, in which salon, when other details, I did not write, because at that time I had no idea about it. But gradually, with this question everything was decided. On your site, I began to read articles about caring for myself and gradually became a taste.
It turned out that this is not only pleasant, but also very much reveals the feminine essence. When I take care of myself, it does not matter, at home or in the beauty salon, I feel a surge of female energy and some kind of light. I enjoy every moment, and my husband then tells me that I’m shining from the inside.
-behavior. At this point, I want to stop separately.
After I decided on the external component of the feminine image, I moved on to the inner component. Therefore, the second thing I did was to start analyzing my behavior. Here again, the questions that I mentioned above helped me. Thinking over them and thinking, I came to a conclusion.
Femininity is the opposite of masculinity. I in the last life behaved courageously. Specifically, she tried to settle everything and decide for herself, constantly altering something for her husband, and most importantly, I could not accept help from my husband or from other people. She believed that accepting help, much less asking for it, was a manifestation of weakness. And since in that life there was an image of such a super-business lady in me, then any attempt to support me or help me somehow was perceived by me with hostility.
Yes, you, probably, and itself remember, how it was.
Therefore, the second thing that I began to do to become feminine, it began to eradicate masculinity. More precisely, the character traits and habits that do not correspond to the notion of femininity.
When I saw in myself the parents’ programs in which the women of my family all pull on themselves, do not respect and appreciate men, dominate in the family, criticize and show discontent with their husbands, they are all reworked and they say that there are no real man, then I became Work with this program.
I will not tell you how I did it. Because you yourself went through it and you know better than I what it costs. But no matter how hard it was for me, I knew what I wanted and what I wanted to be, so I endured all the exercises for forgiveness and copying parental programs.
Sometimes I force myself to force myself not to make decisions, but to wait for them from my husband. After I quit my career, of course, in our family there was a strong financial deficit. But no matter how hard it may be for me, I realized that if I do not stand up and if I do not let my husband rise and become successful, if I again strive for leadership, I will remain an unhappy and disappointed woman. Yes, and my husband was so happy that I finally stopped and just started to enjoy life, admire him and engage in family, that nothing was going on about any work. In addition, the state of health after resuscitation at first did not allow it.
A new man woke up in him. With each month, the more feminine I became, the more successful and manly he became. So many years have passed since then, and when you met, you did not recognize me. But if you met my husband, you would not have recognized him either.
Now this is a completely different person. Sometimes I wonder how much strength and confidence in him dozed due to the fact that I suppressed my excessive activity and lack of femininity.
But if I knew how nice it is to be feminine and allow yourself weakness, I would have become so much earlier!
Of course, as I said above, many were happy with what I had been before. And when I began to change, I met very harsh resistance. Thanks to my husband, who at that time was so shocked and delighted by the changes in me that he supported me in every way and protected me from the discontent of some people. In connection with this, the third thing that I had to do then was to severely restrict my communication with those who expressed criticism and discontent with my actions. Although this could be put and the first item.
Only then, after many years, I began to restore the old ties with those who adopted me a new one. With those who still demand “to return the former Lel”, I do not support the relationship.
It was a very difficult period. In fact, I was completely isolated. But I knew where I was going. For the first time in many, many years I became happy. My state can be compared with a gay one, with joy, with mild bliss. These feelings give us an awareness of their femininity. Awareness and acceptance of your feminine essence and your destiny. Then for the first time I began to understand that I did not want to run away from nowhere anymore, I did not want to prove anything to anyone and did not want to achieve some “great” goals because “it’s accepted” and because someone wants to boast of what I ” Successful, steep, rich.
And the more I discovered the feminine essence in me, the more feminine I became, the clearer I realized that I would never return to my past life, I will not return the past Lel.
This does not mean that I no longer had goals and aspirations. No, they just became completely different. First of all, I enjoyed my happiness and wanted to make my husband and my family happy. Secondly, I stopped interfering in my parents’ life and trying to make my mother happy. I just took care of myself and my life. And gradually I had new goals and hobbies, but they did not go against the interests of my husband and my family. And by the way, this did not affect our financial well-being in any way. On the contrary. The more feminine I became, the more courageous and successful my husband became.
Therefore, the fourth , what I did on the path to finding my feminine essence, is finding new goals and desires. Everything that I had previously suppressed in myself and sometimes even judged, I began to pull gradually into the light. It was like excavating a treasure hidden a long time ago, in a distant childhood. I seemed to open the old drawers of my grandmother’s chest, and in these boxes I always discovered something new.
Here is my childhood dream to sing. Why did not I realize it? Now it does not matter. I forgave the man who once condemned uttered an angry speech about my singing talents. Now it does not matter, now I go and write to the choir. How much pleasure I received from what I sang! And although the singer from me did not work, but I realized my old dream. Which, however, for a year has outlived itself.
But my dream is to draw. But do not become an artist like you, but draw different animals, some kind and bright pictures. Who prevents me? Yes, no one. So I bought pencils and an album and still occasionally paint something just like that, for the soul. How much joy does it bring to me!
In the same chest, in one of the drawers, I found a dream in which I see myself happy with a prince on a white horse. But here he is, my prince, sitting next to him and reading a book. So what does it forbid me to become a happy, loving and beloved woman? And I again began to realize my old dream. True, this dream has not outlived itself and continues to please me to this day.
If you look from the outside, it is not entirely clear how all these old dreams and desires contribute to the disclosure of femininity. But if you look closely, then a woman who devotes part of her time to herself and her secret dreams, enjoys the fulfillment and realization of these simple desires, then such a woman seems to shine from within. When these desires and dreams are not for someone to like, but just to feel the drive from life, only then we become what we are given to be.
Evening. All in the same cafe.
I listened to Lel and remembered myself. Our fates were in many respects similar. Perhaps, not in vain in her time, we talked about it a lot. Apparently, our conversations were not for her for nothing.
At one time I, like her, went through resuscitation, and through a return to myself, to my soul. There was a pain of rejection of relatives and the development of parents’ programs. And just like Lel, my husband was glad that I stopped somewhere to run constantly, to achieve some “great” goals, but simply to live and enjoy what is in my life. To be able to gratefully accept all the lessons and events of life. Enjoy that I am a Woman.
The cafe was still a little crowded and quiet. But I suddenly so badly wanted to see my husband, cuddle up to him and feel weak and so loved, so necessary. I realized that I like this state of femininity, the understanding that in our female weakness lies enormous power and wisdom. And yet I realized that I do not want independence, I do not want to be independent, strong and do not need anyone. I like that in some ways my husband is much more experienced, smarter and more successful than me. I have no more need to be a leader, to be always right and independent, to be successful and self-sufficient. And if before Lel actually denounced this in me and in such women as I, now she has become one of us. And she finally found her happiness.
Well, dear Lel, I’m infinitely happy for you and I believe that you will continue to enjoy what you have gained over the years. And I also know that now you are the same as I in my time, you can transfer your knowledge to other women who are still wandering in the dark, but somewhere inside, deep, they know and believe that Soon, very soon, you will show them the way to happiness, the way to yourself.